One month ago, I walked down the isle and married my love and friend. I know, my head is still in the clouds and I’ve still got stars in my eyes but the last one month has been like no other in my life. And so will be the next 75 and more years.
Many things that used to be theory are now the real stuff in my life and now, I have caught a glimpse of why marriages break. If all men were like my husband, there would be no divorce around us. I have looked at how he loves and treats me and I know that that is what every girl needs. A caring man and constant emotional assurance. Who else gets breakfast made for them on this side of Sahara? 😉 As Nimrod Taabu quiped in the news last night, “twapenda kupendwa!”
And if you want to break your marriage, here are a few steps that I surely hope you will NOT follow.
1. Do not PRAY FOR YOUR WIFE
Actually, do not pray at all! Wake up and go about your business as though you own your destiny. Do not commit your ways and indeed your wife’s to God. Do not submit her under the cover of God and do not even pray for her health and her endeavors. Pray only for food and for the traffic jam to move faster when you are late for work. But your family and especially your wife, say nothing. Nothing at all.
2. Do not LEAD YOUR FAMILY
Do you know that verse that says the husband is the head of the family just as Christ is the head of the Church? It’s in Ephesians 5:23. Do not read it. Do not even dare have a vision for your family. Just sit there and let your wife make all the decisions for your family. You have the T.V there, right? You buy your newspaper, right? Good! Put your feet on the table and sift through the channels as your wife keeps wondering where the family is headed. And if she dares ask you directly, swiftly sink into the nothing box and stay there. For very long.
3. Do not LISTEN TO HER AND BE RUDE
This is the place you let your ego inflate to bursting point. Do what you want and do not listen to her at all. You are married right? Let loose. Let go! Do all the obnoxious think you can think of. Don’t blow your nose, do not shower, do not even brush your teeth. Just-don’t. And when she complains that she is uncomfortable and that you are being inconsiderate, sing at the top of your voice and completely ignore her. She will get the message.
If she gets sad and appears sulky, do not ask her what is going on. Ask her after three days, and even then, just do it to clear your conscience. If she is reluctant to speak after one second, go and finish watching news. Who knows, the world might be ending tomorrow and you need to be informed! If you hear her crying silently, walk out. Or start singing. Just do something to make sure she knows you are ignoring her. This one works wonders.
4. Do not TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER
Have you seen that photo of an old guy and his wife? Oh, you haven’t? Let me narrate it to you. So this old lady is knitting and she casually tells the husband, ” You do not tell me you love me anymore, what happened? “. The husband casually replies, “I told you the first time. If that changes, I will tell you”!
Ahaa, I see you nodding in recognition. That’s the one I was talking about. Now, this one is classic! Practice it every day. Do not tell her that you love her at all. Let the one you told her when you married her suffice. Let her know by your words and actions that you do NOT love her. Or that you don’t care. If you want your marriage to head to the rocks, this is the shortest route!
5. Do not TRUST HER
This is the part where you snoop around her phone and Kiderorise any man who comes within 100 meters of her radius. Let her know that you don’t trust her and do not let her go anywhere without you. Follow her to the kiosk, the supermarket and the salon. And if you can’t stop her from working, tap her phone and make a big fuss when she comes home in the evening.
There is more. And I totally hope you will not follow any of it.
Love your wife as Christ loved the Church. Be nice to her, constantly assure her that she still is the hottest chick in the world and in all you do, do not have a “So you can sulk, I can sulk too!” emotional competition!