Purity is so easy to define and maintain when you are single! I’m sure you didn’t see that one coming! It has always been assumed that it is much harder to maintain purity when you are single. The married have it all sorted out, don’t they? I mean, you want it you get it. Home cooked and fresh from the oven, right? Almost.
While there is some degree of truth in the sentiments, even Paul said to get married instead of burning with passion, I strongly believe purity is so much more than avoiding pre-marital sex. So you have ‘fought the good fight and finished the race’ and you are now in the happily ever after, the battle for purity is over, yippeee! Put the pom-pom down people, the battle has just began.
We have found ourselves wondering what it means to maintain purity in marriage. I’m taking the obvious sins out of the picture here — unfaithfulness and porn. Those two are the undebatable impurities in marriage that need to be flushed out.
A few weeks ago, we had a little debate with my husband about this. I noticed that he would take the line of a certain lady’s queue almost every time we are at the supermarket. It was harmless, really, and she is a nice lady so it was understandable. I used to queue on her line too most of the times. So I commented, “It seems like you like her..”?
I wasn’t expecting him to say he doesn’t like her, but I realised that I didn’t like the fact that he liked her! Praise the Lord, sister Mercy! :). So I kept wondering why it bothered me until I got a revelation!
I remembered that there was a time that I didn’t know that Kamana existed, and he didn’t know there was a human being like me! Unimaginable! Then we met on that beautiful day in January 2011 and a friendship started. There must be things he liked about me or he wouldn’t have bothered being my friend. And there were things I liked about him too.
As the friendship continued, he realised that he more than liked! He actually loved! So he said the magic words…and I kept telling him that I liked him! He still reminds me how much he hated that! Until I also more than liked and realised that I too loved. I responded to that and the rest is our story — not history.
Back to the Tuskys girl. I realised that this is where we had started. And it was wrong for him to like someone and actually show it. Although he was just enjoying good customer service from a supermarket employee, it was uncomfortable. And our eyes were opened. And he asked me to write about it!
Being married does not stop you from seeing other people. There will always be someone prettier, smarter, richer. And it does not stop other people from seeing you. I still get hit on by some men and as much as I feel like smashing something hard on their skull, I know that it is I who must respect my marriage so much as to not respond to any of that. Because that is where we started. I make sure I tell my husband almost immediately, he tells me to tell them they don’t stand a chance, we laugh about it and move on improving our marriage.
Purity in marriage is mostly about avoiding emotional cheating. Don’t share deep talks with someone other than your spouse. Instead build your relationship in such a way that you can tell each other anything without anyone getting judgmental. Men, listen to your wives. I mean really listen, not nod in between reading the newspaper and watching news. Women thrive on talking,so even if you will not say anything, let her talk. Just listen.
And no matter how many times and how many people you share your problems with, the only two people who can solve them all is you two. Learn to separate friends. I have realised that sometimes when friends get married, other friends who were very close might forget that you two now have a different relationship. Don’t cut out your friends, but also learn to not share every tiny detail about your marriage with them.
Purity in marriage is all about being very deliberate about who you let in, and choosing to keep your interests on your spouse. Every day.